1. Be attractive.
2. Don't be unattractive.

Probably the same as Derek and Ivy.

I have done a lot of work with a party company in Long Island, so I have seen a TON of bar/bat mitzvahs. And every one has that candle lighting where the kid reads out of a text with lots of forced jokes and in jokes that kill the three people they're aimed at. And they all have the exact same cadence that Bayer has…

Yeah, this was the first performance in a while (since Kanye West had all those ballerinas) that I didn't notice an awful sound mix.

Can someone give Melissa McCarthy her own sketch show? She deserves better material. She sold every bit she was in, and I would not call any sketch a masterpiece of writing. If just about any other host had starred in those skits they would have bombed terribly.

It really works well if you read his letter in a Casey Kasem voice.

It certainly takes some brass balls for the writers on Smash to claim they're too smart for the room.

I'll just refer to her as The Doormat Debra Messing Plays.

Here's where I just smacked my head at the sheer stupidity of the thing:

That was actually the film project someone I went to school with made. I think he did get an A for it.

At what point does VanDerWerff apply for NEA funding? Clearly, these reviews are some kind of performance art, designed to provoke a response from the audience. "This episode is everything you hate about Girls! A+++!!"

Especially since the BBC's "Jekyll" is already an awesome modern take on Jekyll & Hyde.

Congratulations! I clicked on your stupid link and am now 5 minutes poorer for doing so.

I would agree, except it went on about 10 minutes too long to make sure everybody got a happy ending.

I would agree, except it went on about 10 minutes too long to make sure everybody got a happy ending.

I can't believe in a list that puts Ed Wood at 48.

I can't believe in a list that puts Ed Wood at 48.

How is it that I really like Portlandia, but physically cringe every time Armisen appears on SNL?

How is it that I really like Portlandia, but physically cringe every time Armisen appears on SNL?

I liked the follow up to it. Myers did a joke about a women who had 38 vials of crack in her lady parts. Then he looked off stage, somewhat embarrassed, and asked "Big Bird's gone, right?"