I liked you better when you were funky.

I would've preferred that he bust out a review of Card Shark's 8/9/83 episode, "The One Where Nobody Elects to Freeze Despite Repeatedly Drawing 6s, 7s, and 8s." Legendary stuff. Drove Burt Convey right into the cold embrace of death.

Yes, but in today's "15 minutes of fame" culture, godhood doesn't last very long. You don't see cheap movies like "Marduk's Not Dead" or Facebook campaigns encouraging you to "Keep the Aten in Solstice."

After Cyndi Lauper grew up and left the house, he and Cyndi's mom retired to a seniors' community outside Albuquerque. The only shouting he does these days is at kids who are on his lawn (which is mostly succulents, because there's a drought going on). Now, he only puts rubber bands in his beard on festive…

Something tells me that, after you "locked eyes" with a lioness, you *were* imagining just "lounging around with it." Sicko.

Fanfiction: turning shitty works of art into even shittier ones. "Great job, Internet!," indeed.

Does this mean The Big Red "No" has finally retired and moved to a fishing cabin in northern Minnesota?

Charles Rocket.

Give him a break. He's drawing a blank.

Kurt Cobain's resurrected head will be in a jar

For the full effect, you need the literal versions of the entire Jim Steinman Trilogy:

It gets sillier. I wouldn't say "bail out" if you're currently enjoying it, but things get more and more implausible as it proceeds.

As long as they don't infringe Stax Records' copyright on using "looky here!" to lead into the second verse or the bridge.

I could have bought this album, but instead, I spent my quarter on a game of Ms. Pac-Man. Now I'm a teenage prostitute.

Yes.

I've seen the Best Documentary - Shorts. Here's my rundown:

No, "painfully stupid" like "The Original Wrapper"

Stipe will have to do most of the talking for the time being.

Can't get enough of that wonderful DUFF.

Word on the street is that they're going after his old "Short Attention Span Theater" co-host Patty Rosborough. However, her reps say she's unavailable for comment until she finishes her dinner shift at the Arby's on Ventura Blvd.