Ultravox. I'm in Vienna. Last month I was in Vienna, Virginia but then I was listening to Elvis Costello. "Oliver's Army" worked really well after the White House and the holocaust museum.

Sure. I leave the country for a couple of weeks and you let everything go to hell. Did you at least water the plants and feed the cat?

Has no one told Tillerson that problematic is a trigger word?

…which leaves us stranded in the middle of the first season of Newhart and how will I know which one is Daryl and which one is Daryl?

Don't get used to it.

Keep telling yourself that if it makes it taste better.

Goddamit. Now I want pickled jalapenos. And I'm in Vienna. And it's some weird holiday and literally everything is closed. It's going to be two weeks before I get back to my perfect pickled jalapenos!

The only bratwurst I've had in Vienna was veal. It's not as assertive. The mustard wasn't as sharp either. It was nice though. It was slightly better than the spinach and cheese strudel that I had just before it.

I'll put ketchup on a hot dog because a hot dog is a garbage meat and who cares? I don't care what anyone else puts on their bratwurst unless I plan on kissing them. My bratwurst has sauer kraut, brown mustard and onion.

That's okay. The president doesn't understand irony. Or much else.

That tomato sauce sounds really good but I agree with one of the commenters who added garlic. I've never done the butter before and I'm definitely going to try it now. I also can't imagine a tomato sauce without basil. The article doesn't mention it but it's definitely worth the upgrade to certified San Marzano…

Bratwurst are actually pretty assertive. The spice may be mild but you still have the overwhelming porkiness. You're either going to like them or you're not. There's not much middle ground.

This year I was grateful to have a choice between a socialist and a woman in the primary. That's something I never expected to happen. Like any sensible person I ignored the fact that Jill Stein was on the ballot at all. Don't we have IQ tests for this sort of thing?

You're going to be very popular at the bathhouse.

You are both very wrong and absolutely correct. Now you better offer more than just ketchup for those brats. What? Another beer? Why of course.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Hey, it's cake or death. Just be grateful that you got cake. Eat it already.

No one is gay for Elmer Fudd.

Yes, but we have more teeth now.

How about a pile of Trump "steaks"?