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ATTENTION: RUB WHAT YOU'RE EATING AGAINST A PIECE OF PAPER. IF IT TURNS CLEAR, IT'S YOUR WINDOW TO WEIGHT GAIN.

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ATTENTION: WE ARE LOOKING FOR AN AUTHOR FOR A BOOK THAT IS NOTHING BUT A TIMELINE OF ATTACKS ON AUTO-TUNE. WILL THE PERSON INTERESTED PLEASE REPORT TO RANDOM HOUSE.

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ATTENTION, SAMANTHA NELSON: EXPLAINING STRING THEORY CAN BE A SURE-FIRE BORE TO SOME OF US. WAS IT A GENUINE STICKING POINT IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND, OR WAS THIS THE KIND OF ITCH THAT A QUICK WIKIPEDIA BREAK COULD HAVE SCRATCHED?

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IF AMY REDFORD IS IN THE AREA, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP CRITICIZING SNEAKERS? THAT MOVIE IS NOT TO BE CRITICIZED.

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