I will admit to enjoying his impressions, especially his musician impressions and doing dumb songs in the style of Neil Young, Jim Morrison, etc. But for the most part he's just known for being able to get celebrities to do silly stuff in easily facebook-able chunks. The day that the nation decided Channing Tatum…

Shoulda used "Laid."

Live
…Live band
…Live THE band
…Lightning Crashes band

A: Here's the stuff kid, Durizak-15. Makes Prozac feel like a decaf latte. You want a couple? I got jars.
C: I don't do that stuff anymore.
A: No wonder you got the shakes. And don't say 'do it.' I ingest it on orders from my neuro-physiologist. It's legal. In a couple years they'll be putting in the water for the…

cf. Californication and its 90s skate video aesthetics.

You know what my kids would say…

I was at some shitkicker bar in rural Missouri and this rowdy group near us was doing shots of something and then I thought a fight broke because one guy just started slapping the other in the face. Turns out they were doing Flaming Dr. Peppers and one guy didn't blow his out before taking it and lit his face on fire.…

And then a big name drops in for a surprise set at a small club, then some poor piker has to follow Hannibal and 75% of the room leaves anyway. When I first heard that established comics would do that I thought it was cool of them to surprise audiences like that, but now it seems kind of shitty to the up-and-comers.

Who you really gotta feel bad for is Dougray Scott, who had to bow out from playing Wolverine to do M:I 2 re-shoots. Poor dumb bastard.

When someone asks if I want salad dressing I just say, "Vinegar, please!"

And comfortable chinos.

Just gotta hit the ATM machine later so I can pay to have my SCUBA apparatus serviced.

He ran all the way to hell… with a penny and a broken cigarette.

So the next time I stop you in my patrol car, don't tell me that you were speeding a little, only breaking the law a little, only doing something a little bit wrong. Save THAT for somebody else, brother!

So then my mom says to Roosevelt and Churchill, she says, “How about some kind of lend-lease program?

Sir, the money you spent on "Shitty ditch weed and skunked Mickey's pounders" can't be considered an investment loss.

If it's a soda gun scenario and they get around buying another flavor-syrup jug, especially for a more niche taste like ginger ale, it's possible.

I think the ginger ale at the diner is just Coke and Sprite mixed together, but how can I prove it?

My 16-month old would like a word. Grow longer arms.

Very un-mellow.