Then you should steer clear of my blog about my date with Joan Rivers.

Kinda like Tila Tequila.

I'm sorry, Dave. I can't eat that.

Totz, it gets easier to believe when you see that the same brainstorm session yielded "The Poultry Paste," "Cock's Caulk," "The Gentlemen's Jergens," and "An Alarming Simulacrum of Jizz."

You've had sex, eh? With a lady? Eh?

A fair amount of cheddar being passed beneath the table will do it.

Any enjoyment I could derive from Church's chicken is neatly canceled out by the knowledge that I'd spend the remainder of my evening screaming on the toilet, trying to find something new to read in the Entertainment Weekly I finished three steamlogs prior.

Never underestimate the 18-25 year old Smurf demographic.

Frito, now you've stooped to swiping jokes from the evidently-disappeared AV Club regular, David Caruso? For SHAME!

Everyone needs a pedant!
Kevin Williamson didn't write all three scripts to the Scream trilogy. He devised the basic three-part arc, but Ehren Kruger wrote the third script. Williamson was pulled away by other projects (Wasteland, Teaching Mrs. Tingle, etc.).

Perhaps not the best place to ask…
…but I will nonetheless.

I've cranked a few taints in my day.

Hey, I AM your chief! Good thing we got that straightened out.

Just mind that you don't get your long hair pulled into the filter. You may die with a smile on your face, but you'll still die.

And I hear the third one has a giant cock.

And, given the law of averages, I would sit behind some asshole who won't stop sending text messages, and in front of an octogenarian constantly asking what the characters just said, at that movie, OtP.

Before she goes in front of the war crimes tribunal, I'd like to make sure our prosecutor has on file that we all remember that we have Sandra Bullock to thank for George Lopez.

Don't you dare besmirch Todd Packer, homo!

See, just the fact that you called him an authentic western actor tells me you're not ready for him.

Wait, women have sex drives?