Wasn't Danny Trejo born fifty-five years old, like a sort of somehow-even-more-stagnant version of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?

I picture Wes Bentley essentially playing the paperclip from Microsoft Word in that flick.

I guess I'll be the mockable voice of dissent here.

I took considerable enjoyment
at the classy way he was able to mock Dane Cook for several paragraphs without mentioning him by name.

…and getting caught in chocolate rain?

The California Raisins.
They had their heyday, but these days the only dancing fruits anyone wants to see are the Jonas Brothers.

23 Skiddoo!

I'll never understand why folks are compelled to spend five paragraphs excoriating someone as useless and a blight on humanity, and then do their best to negate their own sentiment by ending with "but more power to him."

The slice ran parallel to the front of my fingernail, maybe 1/8 of an inch beneath it, on the front of the fingertip. Straightening my finger caused it to yawn open and bleed profusely; fiddling with the nail was a liability, as it was essentially a giant handle operating the blood spigot just beneath.

Man, I need to start going to the same porn sites you do.

Pinch pinch pinch
(squirt)

That was fucking funny.

Does Ashton Kutcher play the WMDs? Because I'd like to see him nowhere near this.

Please. My uncle was cobbin' folks for years, and he can't even read.

If you're running down people who look like they're about to start crying at any moment, I'm pre-emptively reserving a spot on your list for Neve Campbell.

Holy shit, I had no idea how incomplete my life was until the concept of an album of Bobby McFerrin covers and Tuvan throat singing came into my life.

Not for some of us, Geddy. Some of that shit is so hatefully homophobic that it's like watching Birth of a Nation. Just cringeworthy.

I met John Corbett once. He was a prick. I know, big surprise.

Jesus, I don't know how I'm gonna say this to you guys… (ahem)…

I worked at Subway while in college, and if I can assure you of absolutely nothing else, Banmar, (other than "it was where fresh is the taste!") it is that those knives were way too sharp for their own goddamned good.