A. V. Club: …people that vote republican…are morons who just…write in Mickey Mouse.

If I wanted an "indiscernible blur" I would get into a drinking contest with @Alcopheliac

Touch them? I'm spanking them!

Do I have to buy it to leave my spouse or can I just rent it?

That joke fell flat.

Wait! I would like to introduce you to my spouse.

"Don't you think you were a little hard-on the boner last night?"

Boner Wars

More like O-bitch-uary.
Amirightbro!?!

A V Club: What are Jew doing here?

"Where do you plug in the wireless internet" - Everyone's Mom

Because everyone in a zombie apocalypse looks like a model?

A V Club: Makes me twitch involuntarily.

Yes?

I would dread braiding her hair too.

K-oral.
Like K-mart.

You misspelled vagina. As in:
"Dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick." - Vagina

iCan.

In related news: The U. S. Government recently realized that for the last 70 years they were using a black highlighter.

When farts and poop stop fighting they call a Chartreuse.