It's Shauna Malwae-Tweep, thank you very much.

Yes, it is always nice to see uh, (squints at paper) Kyle Bornheimer on television

California has numerical superiority, sure, but fast food was *born* at White Castle…in Wichita.

I mean, yeah, but at 10-20 times the population.

Well, for the past few years they've been alternating between good and bad seasons. That's one way to do it, kinda sorta.

Wingstop fries 🙌🙌🙌🙌

Was it, though?

"I don't remember much about 2009—I think I was in 9th grade"

Quiche requires custard.

I usually roll my eyes at people who loudly scoff at chain pizza, but Pizza Hut is fucking nasty.

Lenny Kravitz? Right.

Parks & Rec syndrome—when a show sketches its characters as increasingly perfect and falls more in love with them over time.

Lorelai Gilmore was the Goddamn Worst after awhile. The best character on GG is probably Emily.

Bread as an influence? But Christ almighty, Bread sucks. I'm not even anti soft rock, and I would rather stab my ears out than listen to Bread.

Without the exciting rush of cocaine to accompany it, that's really not pleasant at all, I'm guessing!

Hmm, this is intriguing.

If you scrolled down here to figure out where to start the article, it's where the bold headings start ("Salt is salt").

"…the nostalgic sound of a cable modem slowly booting up."

Ohhhh, teachers, those lazy-crazy-hazy-chain-smoking people who hate kids…

I'm 100% positive Jimmy Vivino has a fucking awesome life, being a first-call session musician who has worked with dozens/hundreds of stars and now a late-night bandleader. And he's probably not a self-loathing dickhole like most comedians, either.