[Tears up round trip ticket to Tokyo in disgust]

…if she's lucky.

"What's that smell?"
"Oh, that'd be me.  I am wearing Bradley Cooper's sweatshirt.  Nice, right?"
"Mmmm…musty."

Calvin and Hobbes expanded my vocabulary substantially when I was in elementary school.

Getting warmer…

I would kill for “a new pair of heels and a playful pat on the behind for a job well done” at work.

@dikachu- It would be great if, for once, the wife in the ad was horrible and deserved a smack to the back of the head.
"DVR - because you married an idiot for her body and she can't be trusted to record your favorite shows."

You thank?!? No!!

"don't worry baby, we're both symptomatic anyway."

*Box of naked pictures of Oprah come flying out*

First thing I thought when I saw the photo was, "Nice hat, dickhead."

I guess after being married to an AARP member, he must think this is fucking hilarious.  Or he's trying to figure out a way of televising statutory rape and he's just easing us all into it.
Or he's just "punking" us all.

Cleftly.

That makes perfect sense.  The black population in this country is 13.1% as of 2011.  2/15 is 13.3%.  It's perfectly fair.

White people can take Chris Brown, that way, if we beat the shit of him and leave him bleeding to death on the street, it'll just be assault and battery instead of a hate crime.  Also, violent, anti-social white people typically have less fans.

"HA. SHE'S NOT VERY GOOD."

Hahahahah!  She just crapped herself!

@Scrawler2:disqus      {Faints dead away}

Chris Brown killed himself?

Oh No! No talking, no new crap, Monkey Wrench! NOW!