Nice try, but I have guards around at all times to keep Dave Eggers away. They're left over from the fatwah!

Would you like to ghost-write my next novel?

You Shall Know Our Pomposity

Yes, well, it beats being chased around by the Ayatollah.

Would you like to ghostwrite my next novel? It's called The Kaleidoscopic Garden

Well, funny thing about that: what I thought was Dexter for the past several seasons was actually Real Housewives of Atlanta.

"Salman's been crushing it lately."
"Oh yeah, Salman! Absolutely smashing"
"Positively delightful, that Rushdie chap"

Yes, well, for that you can blame my publishers, who apparently brought it to your flat, tied you to a chair, rendered you mute, and read it aloud to you.

One time I slipped some percocet to Hitchens before one of his debates with Dinesh D'Souza. It was pretty easy to slip him anything, really - just put it in his scotch. I could sort of tell when it was kicking in, because his face got red (it never did with just alcohol) and he started swaying. I was in the front row,…

You know, chap, I spent a good bit of time with this online dating business back in 2007, after I broke up with Padma Lakshmi (I'll not torture you with the details).

Yeah, I can faintly remember when I liked that album as well.

Go back to, ehm … self-fellating … you, er, internet guy. Yes, that will do.

These types of bold opinions could land you a fatwa, bloke. Just a tip.

I see you know what you're doing after all. Carry on then.

Just a tip, old chap: if you're going to go with one of these "Reposted" gimmicks, it's considered good form to post the online identity of the commenter. As a writer myself I'm something of a stickler for these things.

what a lovely thing to say

I know I tend to babble on about my departed comrade Christopher Hitchens, but given the passing of Mr. Ebert, I was reminded of a rather lovely piece he wrote when Hitch's cancer had only recently been diagnosed. It's refreshing to read a perspective on cancer from one similarly suffering, and similarly refusing to…

I saw this in the cinema with Christopher Hitchens. He wasn't much into Floyd, but I convinced him. What I didn't tell him was that I had put a few acid tabs in his scotch. We had a bit of a row after that and he didn't talk to me for a couple months, but it was worth it to hear him go on about Orwellian…

I re-read Animorphs #1-13, plus The Andalite Chronicles, as I do every Easter weekend.

Well done, well done indeed.