This is why I need to get a job closer to the International Date Line. Kiribati, here I come!

Darth Vader is his father!

You haven't experienced internet until you've got it over semaphore flags. It's actually pretty easy; you only need to remember the flag positions for "0" and "1."

Is it still even possible to buy a computer with a dial-up modem in it?

Sideways-whelming?

Not to go all gimmick-accounty, but allow me to pass along with agreement the thoughts of YouTube commenter ben31584 from the linked: "This is the most disturbing video i have ever seen. I'm gonna have nightmares from whatever that thing is"

A fleshlight moving its lips to talk is certainly one of the more-uncomfortable mental images I've formed in a while. So who do we get to do the voice? Gilbert Gottfried?

Or: "Here's my new dog, President Cruz."

I assume the new dog's name will turn out to match some future calamity, necessitating a change again. I just hope the new name isn't "Mushroomcloudoverlosangeles."

You were both beaten to the market by Encyclopedia Brown.

If we expose *all* of them to radiation, think of how many spidermen we can make!

"Who would have guessed that Potter Stewart had herpes!"

They had an initial live auction at a place in West LA, but it was the same day as my law school commencement ceremony. I…..made a poor decision.

I'll build my own Maltese Falcon! With blackjack! And hookers!

How much for Spaghetti-Os with Jon Bon Jovi?

That's because Bowie originally wrote it in orbit around his home planet.

436 pages seems like a lot, but a full 163 of them are just description of the Yoshi sex scene.

Money can be exchanged for goods and services!

"You'll be okay, Dad. Just make sure he hits you an even number of times, so you don't end up with amnesia."

Well, keep in mind this is a man who put on an eight-hour Siddartha show.