What about canned bacon? I don't think that's a thing, but I kind of think it probably oughta be.

I once saw Lawrence of Arabia in a theater in Billings, Montana, in mid January. The heater was broken, and so the indoor temp was really only a couple of degrees above freezing. We could see our breath, and everybody in the theater kept their big winter coats on. There are few things weirder than shivering while you…

Maybe he should be a Ph.D who solves crimes.

I love that column, although it did break my nerd heart a little when he wrote a thousand words telling us why Jeremy Renner is doing Hawkeye all wrong.

Anybody that surfs the internet without NoScript (or at least FlashBlock) installed deserves terrible autoplay videos.

Sure, the show was a confusing mess, but it did do what the makers intended: while we were watching, Mrs. Onychomys asked me to go to Macy's.com and find out how much the dresses were going for. 

>>from dogfight import brakes
>>if ['right on tail'] run brakes
          fly right past us

For many years, I worked in an avian neurobiology lab. The only way to study bird brains is to remove them from bird skulls, as you might figure, and it turns out that in real life Atticus is wrong. Killing blue jays is hard, because they're very smart. Killing mockingbirds is easy, because they're very dumb. When I…

The Mrs. and I don't even bother putting them on the queue.

See, this is why you have. to. pull. permits!

Know what other show needs more love? Shark Tank. It's so interesting, especially to those of us who have absolutely no business experience. I would never have thought that profit margins and investments and sales and stuff could make for watchable TV, but they do!

And by 1975, I hope you mean 1939. Or perhaps 1941.

We see you've been looking at girls' asses, so here's six ads for Charmin.

As someone who was once a 12 year old boy himself, let me assure you that pre bar mitzvah boys know the heck out of those concepts and terms.

You know, if I was ever cast on Survivor, the very first thing I'd do is spend a week or two learning how to make fire. It's something that you have to be able to do in the first episode every single season. How could the entire girls team be so woefully unprepared?

When you can snatch the human kidney from my hand, Grasshopper, then you may go.

Little Debbie?

I think it's been well established that what the current horror zeitgeist demands is more crysturbating.

Although I really like this film, I made the mistake of going to it with my mother. That was kind of an uncomfortable two hours of my life.

These were broadcast on Channel 4 last year and the year before.