Most things are better read in Irwin's voice, though the wise words about clever retards belong to Principal Onyx Blackman.

Yep, nothing says "fuck whatever chance I ever had at upper management" more than conspicuous tattoos and piercings. I mean, I recognize how important it is for the youngsters to affect some mangled authenticity, but must it be such a desperate race to look like you did the longest stint aboard a pirate ship?

At my wharf it was "Once you go steveadore, you'll adore Steve the man-whore."

We've tried reining him in, but these retards can be extremely clever…

It was a genius choice, but when you crank up the bass and a lot of 60's shit acquires a more sinister edge— Wild World by Cat Stevens or Girl You'll Be a Woman Soon by Neil Diamond as other examples…

[Couch Detective pulls shotgun out of ass crack]

HOPE YOU LIKE HAVIN' YOUR LOVESEAT FUTONED BY THE CHESTERFIELDS UP IN DAVENPORT!

Victim was found completely sectionaled with a rusty ma-settee in the back of his divan…

A supremely pragmatic man in all regards, including accommodating the prodigious male sex drive. Just imagine if he'd repressed in order to stay faithful, his mind becoming thick sludge like Elaine Benes in "The Abstinence"…

A beautiful facade, yes, but he sees the barely suppressed murderer in the eyes of Ron, the bottomless stupidity in the eyes of Andy, and a vast, merciless hell in the eyes of Orin. And he has gazed upon their works:

“People think we had a love-hate relationship. Well, I did not love Jerry/LarryTerry, nor did I hate him. We had mutual respect for each other, even as we both planned each other's murder.”

Oh, okay. Actually, I'd like to see her be pressured into sharing what are surely some Leno-quality quips…

It's spelled sacs.

And he only keeps an old broad in her mortal coil if she's a big ol' fat person, in which case he sends her free lotion…

Do what? Die by falling from that 10-story geyser of critical and feminist adulation?

As opposed to Joan Holloway, whom we hate to see leave, but we do love to watch her go…

*81

Perfect, except how do we differentiate from what we said for Elaine Stritch 6 weeks ago?

After Parks and Rec concludes, I sincerely want Nick Offerman to join Sesame Street and appear in most every segment. Simple yet wise, gruff yet lovable, Nick can serve as the masculine ideal and dependable father figure that our nation's wayward little bastards so desperately need. It would also be just the shot in…

And then maybe the studio can sell copies in a place befitting such auterism, like the toy aisle of Walgreens…