*Xenu outbids Tom Cruise*

[Pays $250 for Gayle's used dental dam]

Hey Barbra. The two faces of this mirror aren't gonna clean themselves.

*looks under chair*

Nor a ephron.

Clarified butter will never go out of style.

But winning one doesn't derail a career quite like an Oscar.

Perhaps the cat food was at a record low price.

"Not the drama!"

There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Alcopheliac, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

Orange is the New Glad I Didn't Say Banana

Emmys might as well do what the Oscars do and allow 10 shows total.

"Is that what they are just know as now?" is melting my brain.

"Now I've been to one world fair, a picnic and a rodeo and that's the stupidest thing I've heard come over a set of earphones."

Sure it wasn't 3 bottles of wine and 1 case of cat food?

Shameless already has a goddamn Emmy.

It was a way-homer.

The Lonely Island (featuring Joanna Newsom)

Exes say sexual encounters with me count as comedies, even past the 30-minute mark

With that? An abacus?