Are you in The Business?

Man, fuck the fuckin Oscars man. Just a bunch of Hollywood jerkoffs like the shitheads that made Chipwrecked gathering around to jack off into each other's fuckin assholes.

Everyone's ignoring the real story here, this stupid motherfucker goes into a comedy club and gets up onstage and does 45 minutes for no money?? I mean, what- Are you kidding me?!

You guys wanna know how much these stupid motherfuckers paid me to be on their shitty ass sitcom? Let's just say that ivory gazebo outside my cabin upstate will be finished a lot sooner than I thought.

And anytime I get paid to be seen is a win in my book!

I've got your next fuckin gimmick lined up right now, Soderbergh: how about a movie starring a comedian? You better get while the getting's good cuz once I get finished shooting Alvin 4: Dark Side of the Munk with the same disgusting piles of shit I shot those last three shitty fucking movies with, my price is going…

I can't believe fuckin Banksy is making me wait three months before he has time to paint a mural of me fucking a tiger across my bedroom wall in panda blood. I mean, like, what? I don't want to say how much I'm paying for that, but it's eight hundred thousand dollars. I know, I thought it would be more, too, right?…

Hey, man, it's like, fuck, man, I'm not like your fuckin dog or whatever to do whatever you want whenever you pull out like a fuckin bacon treat for me or whatever, right? When some stupid bitch asks me to interrupt a massage from the best masseuse I could fly in from Sweden all so that we can film a two second pickup…

Hey, CBS, give me a shout, I'll give hosting a try. I don't give a fuckin shit if it's successful or not, as long as the money's right.

Hey, Mr. Hollywood, you sound like a guy that can get things done. Tell you what, let me quote you my price and you tell me what you can put me in.

Man, fuck, that's what I get for letting my fuckin sous chef's girlfriend write my fuckin posts for me. Does anybody know Josh Modell's goddamn phone number, cuz I'm not gonna keep doing this shit for free.

Fuckin lay off the guy, man, it's like… what? I mean, fuckin, he's probably only got like 8 or 10 mil in the bank, of course he needs to make more art. I know that's what makes me sit down with three personal assistants to take down everything I write and massage my thighs while I create. Like, what, do you have a…

Yeah man, fuckin Judd Apatow says he puts all his friends in his movies but I got news for ya: his friends don't get paid shit! I gotta go get those pieces of shit who made Alvin 3 on the phone to make sure I can voice my character in the ABC Family cartoon. Helloooo gold-plated jacuzzi!

Man, fuckin Dawes, I offered to open for them at the Knitting Factory three months ago and fuckin they thought since I offered to do it that meant I didn't need to get paid. I mean, do they expect me to like fuckin check my own mail rather than pay someone to do it, too?

Rob is fuckin garbage, man, hey, any chance I can get a recurring role on there? I need to hire a guy to maintain my birdbath.

Hey, I might be interested in doing a voice on The Simpsons soon, anybody know what they pay?

I'll do it!