Yeah, you pinky swore that you'd review I Am Alive, AV Club! PINKY SWORE! But seriously, what're you bugging the AV Club for? There're already 51 other reviews listed on Metacritic.

Fixed.

Haven't you heard? Having your own Armond White is all the rage these days! But they couldn't afford the real thing, so they had to settle for a reasonably good simulation of a cheap grad-school knockoff instead, which just isn't as fun.

so THAT'S what they mean when they say "she's got an ass the size of texas!"

No, but the gay porn horror parody, "Gory Ol' Anus", is.