I was the shake guy at McDonalds waaaay back in 1967. It takes considerable skill to keep five mixers going at once and still produce quality milkshakes. I had that skill.

My aunt owned a cowboy bar in the middle of nowhere, New Mexico, from the late 1940's into the 90's. It seems she had the same juke box in there the whole time. I once asked her who were her all time favorites and she said Hank Williams and Merle Haggard. Period.

Yes, but you don't want to know what it was.

Umm. . . it's not the pants that make you look fat.

Yeah, did you hear about the blonde who was snorting saccharine because she thought it was diet coke!
OK, I'll be quiet now.

Reporter: "Mr. Cruz, did you know that a woman in your latest commercial was a porn actress?"
Ted Cruz: "Yeah, who gives a shit, as long as she votes for ME!"
That would have won him a million votes, instead he continues to be the bumbling doofus.

. . . from Yellow Submarine!

She changed it to be more inclusive.

They almost gave away my favorite baseball trivia question, which continually stumps all but the very finest historians of the game: who held the record for most home runs in a season before Babe Ruth?

If that happens, will they call him Master Bates?

You can't build a jizz free mansion in Los Angeles for less than $200 million.

Correction: Alito called it "jig pokey."

"How long can you tread water?" My friends and I must have said that a thousand times.

Not a good enough reason for me to want to die first.

I just wish they would keep their blow-striking to watching movies.

Yes, but will they be wearing Donald J Trump-brand shirts and ties?

I just looked up Air Force Amy. She's got obvioulsly fake boobs, which in my opinion disqualifies her from being on a bill. Washington had fake teeth, but he didn't go around with a huge grin on his face. How about a nude Eleanor Roosevelt instead?

TRUMP 2016: OR WE'LL SUE YOU

I watch it for the babes.

Finally, a "worst dads" list that mine doesn't qualify for.