The Hold Steady tell me Charlamagne's got something in his sweatpants.

Oh I get to meet Pat Sajak, like I suppose you can do better than that! No way. It just seems to me he would be a pretty decent guy, I must say. What if we became best friends, best friends in the world so I would just phone his house and say, “Is Pat there? Just tell him it’s me.” Oh yeah, that really makes sense.…

I didn't know the Trumps dabbled in Chicago real estate back in the day.

What about the one that says "No Public Urination?"

Tom: So Joel, what about that point on the graph where Sean's line actually goes lower than Neil's?

I could never find a lawyer who would take my case against the makers of Holes on contingency.

I've got some embarrassing third degree burns that would argue with you.

I always wondered how, uh, plumbuses got made.

It's like if Linus didn't really need that blanket but went around claiming he did.

It's not impossible. I used to bullseye womp-womps in my T-16 back home. They're not much bigger than two meters.

Shocked, SHOCKED!

The Paleogene Period attracts bears.

Kit Fisto shot fist.

Oh, I saw Fist when they opened for Badfinger.
—Tom Servo, 604-Zombie Nightmare

*calls Green Arrow with an idea*

Something, something… cold dead hands.

Or this one:

Uncle Jesse would be so disappointed if he were alive.

I love a good hassle.

He buys in bulk and passes the savings on to his audience!