Lobsters, we (and by "we" I mean the secret society whose existence you've always been convinced of) are having second thoughts about allowing you into the Christmas Fallout Shelter (and Chinese Buffet). We have instructed Zelda Rubinstein to stop you at the door and pull you aside.

Whoops — I forgot the "(and Chinese Buffet)" part. Very important.

Oh, okay … All are welcome in the Christmas Fallout Shelter. In fact, we will have Zelda Rubinstein stand outside the entrance and say, "All are welcome!"

Somebody better tell every retail and media organization that Christmas is only one day a year, because they seem to be under the impression that it's at least three months long. Still, there are lots of sales, which is a bonus for my people.

How about a list …
of alternative Christmas entertainments, for those of us who hate Christmas? Some of my own holiday favorites are movies like "Black Christmas" (the Bob Clark original with the yummy Olivia Hussey, not the godawful remake), "Gremlins" (that's right), and songs like "Suddenly It's Christmas" by…

Really, you don't have to deal with it? I'm a Scroogey McJew too, but Christmas is overwhelmingly all-pervading in the United States. We might as well just change the name of the entire winter season to "Christmas." From the day after Halloween, up until the beginning of February, everything is Christmas. Even…

Regular Folgers is too hard on my blood pressure, and it makes me feel nervous.

Has anyone mentioned …
Scarlett Johansson (as the wonderfully named Birdy Abundas) in "The Man Who Wasn't There"? That whole sub-story alone might have made the movie for me. I guess seeing a black-and-white Johansson in bobby socks and patent leather might have had something to do with it, too.

Peter Weir made some shrewd cuts, to excellent effect, in "Picnic at Hanging Rock."

Speaking of the three-cent-stamp guy, I'd like to give a comments-section shout-out to character actor John Carroll Lynch, who was also excellent in "Zodiac" (and otherwise widely remembered as Drew Carey's transvestite brother). Whenever I see him in anything, I can't help but think of his doting, early-morning…

Like many "Fargo" fans, I followed Roger Ebert's line of thinking that the scene with the pitiable classmate is essential mainly because Marge decides to question Jerry Lundegaard again after her encounter with her former schoolmate and the realization that everything he told her was a desperate lie. (When the film…

In many of the Olympic Peninsula towns we visited, from Port Townsend to Forks, it was homecoming. This was western Washington — Kurt Cobain country, not "Twin Peaks," technically — but most of the small-town high-schoolers, as fancy as they could be for homecoming, looked like they could have walked right off the…

sounds cool, tacky box art
Sounds like a worthwhile and interesting documentary, but, really, could the DVD cover be any stupider looking? I'd never heard of this film, but if I were judging video-rental selections on appearances alone, I'd pass this up.

twin peaks
Hey, cool, "Twin Peaks"! I wasn't a fan when the show originally aired (too young to appreciate it), but I just purchased the whole series and will likely watch it at the same pace as it's presented in this feature. Thank you, A.V. Club, for further engaging the attention I pay to everything but real life.

okay, laura linney is hot. discuss.
Wow. I really thought I was pretty much on my own in my crush on Laura Linney, but she has incited some sort of dorky-dude feeding frenzy here.

the ending
As a result of being familiar with the book and its downbeat ending beforehand, I think I paid more attention to certain nuances of the film that I might have missed if I had been anticipating the catharsis of a more formulaic resolution. Fortunately, few filmmakers reward that sort of attention to detail…

Jesus, I forgot about "Jack." Is there anything creepier than a twinkly-eyed man-child with back-hair?

the trailer for this goddamn movie was bad enough
Just that photo of a Bonofied Robin Williams makes me want to take the real Bono by the ankles and use him as a human bludgeon to club Williams into unconsciousness. Then, as Williams dazedly regains some sense of perception, I, dressed like Patch Adams, will strangle…

this posted twice. Sorry for the annoyance.

"the truth is …"
On the one hand, he makes an obsequious effort to say how grateful he was to get any kind of acting work during the lowly early years of his career. But, on the other hand, he doesn't want to talk about those roles, since that would be self-promotion (?), preferring instead to help promote "Rescue…