I want to marry you and have your children, who I hope would have the same hilariously sick and twisted sense of humor as you.

I learned to sew a hem from my grandmother. If I want home-made Mac-and-Cheese I ask my boyfriend to make some. The only thing I got out of Home Ec was a crappy blue and red tote bag that I made.

Maybe if he had won Top Chef she would have loved him for more than just his U.S. citizenship?

You worked an Ozzy reference into a Top Chef comment board…

Maybe I took it too literally, but I figured his M.O. was to peel off his victims' faces, so they had to protect theirs by making her dump him.

…and chefs that he worshipped and then was compelled to own…

I'm going to start saying "cray-cray" and see how long it takes for someone to slap me.

People don't like fire poked - poked - up their noses!