Slight break in the protocol here, but:

I never knew your full name! Today truly is an apocalypse.

Perhaps we could smoke some pot as well?

Hello friends. I've nothing to contribute on this week's particular queries - just going through and upvoting people' fairwells.

Sorry, I thought that we were discussing whether or not turtles grew a lot during their lives, not just US ones. But still…alligator snapping turtle, hatchling to adult…that's a big percentage increase. And thanks - I do like my picture. Wonder if I'll get to keep it, after the end of all things.

Canadian maritimes narrows it down a LOT - basically either a common snapping turtle (Chelydra serpentina) or an eastern painted turtle (Chrysemys picta picta). 9" would be big for a painted turtle, but everything else makes it sound a lot more like that than a snapper, so I'm going with a paint. They're lovely…

It is really a concern - not all turtles do carry it (see above), but all turtles can carry it, long term.

Oh, there's plenty of reasons why turtles, for most folks, don't make good pets - they require lots of care and a long-term commitment. But the fact that you have to wash your hands after holding them isn't one of those reasons.

Very nice.

To be fair, the turtles were there long before the native Hawaiians.

Yeah - too far. They can carry salmonella, just like any reptile (and that includes birds), but they're not toxic cesspools. I handle turtles professionally. Just wash your hands.

Well, don't forget the really big sea turtles besides the island giants, and the African spurred tortoise (Centrochelys sulcata) can get almost as big as the island tortoises, and it's continental. But a lot of turtles can experience some major increases in size, from hatching to adult. Quite possibly (though I'd…

Lot of dead eyes, too. On everyone.

Brother, I hope you're joking, because if not, have I got some data for you!

I can't comment on the former issue, but on the latter - there are plenty of articles that show that small amounts of light can indeed cause turtles to go the wrong way. You can do a Google Scholar search for "sea turtle light pollution" or something similar if you are really interested.

They can hold their breaths for a long time (a consequence of the low metabolic rate), but not that long. Leatherbacks are the best, and even they can't do an hour when they're really moving. If they're sleeping they can go for up to 7 hours, I think.

I do love me some goat curry. Unfortunately, whenever and wherever I eat it, there are inevitably…consequences. Digestive consequences…

"Very slowly"

Especially because turtles take a long time to drown.

What's the from? Sounds like a Deep Thought by Jack Handy. Or a Mitch Hedberg bit.