You pretty much just described my dad. Mom got him a satellite radio for Christmas one year and he came right out and said "why would I pay for radio when I can get it for free?" Not thinking of course of the expanded options he would have. And he convinced her to take it back.

And who hasn't wanted to bone a Carnie from time to time?

I've tried but never succeeded to get wedding DJs to play "Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Joy Division. I thought perhaps I'd have more success with Gang of Four's "Anthrax," but they never seem to have that one.

I was at my local dive bar one time when that song came on the jukebox. This woman I kinda sorta know said the funniest thing I've ever heard her say. As the song is playing she goes "Anybody who's never been that far before definitely shouldn't be going that far with Conway Twitty."

"Let's Play House" isn't much better. It has the line "I'd rather see you dead little girl than to be with another man" fer chrissakes.

My father-in-law loves that song. I love the guy to death, but it is creepy as all hell when he just starts singing it out of nowhere.

…Aaaaaand now I'm picturing Crow fucking a stormtrooper.

And Twinkie weiner sandwiches.

Exactly this. I generally like my bacon not overly crispy. But if you're putting it on a burger you gotta get it good and crispy, but not burnt. That solves the whole problem of the bacon coming out in one bite.

Same here. And people often look at me funny when I put pepper, but not salt, on my fries.

I found them a little tough to swallow.

I don't think he was that clever. It was probably going to be that little flaming skull thingy.

Yes, exactly like segregation. Because you see, back in the good old days of segregation we always had rascally hippos running over racist, obnoxious, self-important, hypocritical hippies.

I'd settle for just gathering them together in a small, enclosed area.

I used to work with a guy who said his favorite band of all time was The Offspring. Fortunately for him one of his friends talked him out of the Offspring tribute tattoo he was planning.

Same here. My wife recognized it at first because we watched that sketch together, but she quickly stopped laughing.

Wolf Blitzer spelled Yale with a 6.

Oh I tried that for a while, believe me. But it got me nowhere.

I think the ridiculously huge fake tits and surgery scars were more common in the '90s than now and definitely more so than the '70s. Sure, the absurdly round, unmovable breasteses can still be found, but not on every actress like the porno of my college and early '20s years. I see much more natural people now. Or…

My wife, who is also a squeeze the middle monster, and I solved this problem by getting those toothpastes that come in the harder plastic, upright containers.