I think you and I were friends in a past life.

AW HELL YEAH.

It's not often you see Johnny Mathis in the wild.

That reminds me of the producer for Parks & Rec, that I always figured was a joke name:

"Please excuse my dear aunt sally," Keanu said.

That is a tasty burger.

A porterhouse or "The Enforcer" from Charles Mulligan's Steak House or GTFO.

When I was a kid, I loved every JAWS movie in the franchise.  It wasn't until I got a little older that I realized how wrong I was.  I loved all of the scuba divers and submarines and helicopters in 2 and 3.

You guys are worse than Hitler.

*shakes shell*

Popplers sound like a drug offered by a dendrophile posting in Indianapolis' Craigslist Casual Encounters section.

That movie's full of incredibly tense scenes, and that one is the best.  There's nothing threatening in any of the dialogue (unlike the basement bar or the opening farmhouse), yet it's terrifyingly tense.  Great acting indeed.

Otters use rocks to break open crabs to eat.

You sunuvabitch.

I see what you did there.

I was hoping to make this post, but knowing the AV Club, I had my doubts that I would be able to. 

A $15 Thing of Candy Beans

I wish I could recall the names I used.  Perhaps my parents can, since this was done when I still lived with them.  I'm pretty sure one was King Crabb.

Yes?  Oh, wait…

She was a looker, a sneaky one.