True story: I get "The Running Man" and "Marathon Man" confused all the time, so this article was confusing for me.

It's pornography week at the A.V. Club.

It's Raining Men?

So we're just reviewing whatever now, huh?

"It's not a goddamned phone restaurant" is the only line you need to extrapolate Pat's entire character.

HERE COMES A SPECIAL BOY.

Nikki and Paulo were entirely worth it for that one time they killed off Nikki and Paulo.

I honestly liked the season two finale better than the season three, but only because the former had the balls to put all my favorite characters in one place and make that place explode.

Wait, no, The Shining is an awesome movie.

(Meth Boss!)

"That cocaine I ordered is taking forever!" is the funniest line this show's done in a bit.

@avclub-ec581d0fa82907dc6f58d1e70bf346b0:disqus  This is also literally my favorite Simpsons line. ARE WE TWINS?!?!?!

Ten years ago, people couldn't even NAME the bible's showrunner!

Also (spoiler alert): Jesus DOES show up a couple of times throughout the flick, so, you know.

I'd agree, but I wouldn't say that it opens with Jesus for pretty much no reason. I can't think of a better way to establish that your movie takes place in the early zero A.D.s.

Honestly? I thought there was a serious lack of character development. Jesus starts out all-loving and perfect and, guess what, he ends up all-loving and perfect. Unrealistic.

Oh Christ. Somebody's going to misunderstand what it means when they read "The A.V. Club gave 'The Bible' a C-"

All those apes are thinking "FUCK. THESE. LEAVES."

Or Chupacabras in Paris.

I love legitimate theatre.