Is this some kind of con, Carney?

In an effort to stimulate the U.S. economy, President Trump today announced the introduction of "spendbait" notes, where "In God We Trust" has been replaced with the phrase "Spend this $20. You won't BELIEVE what happens next!"

"Fortunately, we exist in an enlightened day and age where even the sceptical will read on and realize I am not positing descent though modification is impossible, and aught but right-wing fucktards will take the preceding paragraph out of context as part of a specious argument to cling to Godly myths and keep people…

Depends, does the lint come from my towel?

E.L. James is going to be on the new $20.

He's bald?!?!?!?!?!

How did you know that? You fucker.

So what do I get?!

More importantly, is this the first-ever banknote with an exclamation point?

Wait wait wait

That may be true, but it's not his fault. He probably could have done a different voice (if Lucas would allow that) but the blame for the character's obnoxious comic presence rests solely with the writer/director.

I just watched "The Beginning" on YouTube, the pompously named making-of featurette about Episode I, which is oddly unflinching in showing the developing shitshow. At the time, I imagine it was supposed to be like "look how hard this was to make, but they pulled it off!" whereas in retrospect, it's more the Anatomy of…

I'd like to live in Chicago if it wasn't in the U.S.

I had a pretty good fourth date last week that resulted in some decent sex, but I realized I don't feel a strong attraction to this person and should cut our losses early. Unfortunately, I also left something at her place that I need back.

There's always sex workers.

ICE to see you running for political office!

But that would be cheep cheep cheep, and Wiseau has money to launder!

Self-indulgent?

The Chappaquiddick crash was shot on a sound stage by Michael Bay. Kennedy's car was actually a Decepticon.

"Senata Flav, you've exceeded your time on the floor! Don't deny it, I can see your giant clock!"