Nietzsche had his picture on a bubblegum card, and it made me realize how utterly absurd it is to chew on gum—to spend so much time chewing and chewing and chewing and yet never swallow it for fear of farting out a bubble and ruining your undies—how very much like the rigors of life it is!

You know who else didn't read Nietzsche closely?

I had a turkey who raped one of my geese once, and I've seen wild mallards in city parks doing that weird duck-rape thing, too.

I need to stop naming all my orange cats "Milo."

This sounds like a film snob's wet dream. By the end of the day there will be 1,124 reasonable discussions occurring between 4 or 5 commentators.

"This American Life" actually has an annual poultry show, because apparently they get so many freaky poultry stories. I always thought I was alone in having been attacked not just by a rooster, but also by geese, turkeys, ducks, guinea fowl and, worst of all: peacocks. Good Lord, you DO NOT want to find yourself…

AVC Resident Crewmember, are you sure they were cows? Because if they had buck teeth and flat, scaly tails, they may have been North American beavers (castor canadensis).

OH MY GOD ITS A MODERN DAY SHERLOCK HOLMES!!!!!

My disciples have unionized. They ain't goin' nowheres.

I had dreams of having two pet ducks, walking around with these ducks following me, waddling, quacking. Everyone in the neighborhood would've known me: there goes the Duck Boy, walking around with his ducks! I even wore a hat that said Ducks Unlimited.* My whole 7th grade experience was ruined until we moved out to…

Our house.

They remodeled the kitchen, put in a new fireplace, got granite countertops, built a deck, and at the end of the day they still weren't happy with their lives.

Son of God, O Carpenter!
Won't you come back around?
The blocks and beams are crumbling
And the House is falling down!

She can cry real tears.

Poke a hontas and find out.

A small price to pay for the metaphysical spiritual humanist dynamic of Milch's blah blah blah dichotomy blah blah blah blah paradigm.

If you added the words "BONG!" and "LISA NEEDS BRACES" you'd have upwards of 43 "Likes" by now!

"Was" in the past tense?

THREE DUST MITES, 25955 PROTOZOA KILLED IN MONOCLE EXPLOSION

When I was in the 7th grade I tried to steal some eggs from a mallard nesting on a golf course pond so I could put them in the little plastic incubator I ordered from a Boys Life magazine. My friend and I were trying to bid the hen off her nest, and she started making this huffing and puffing sound. She was making…