I had a Mac Tonight figurine as a kid, and because he was wearing a suit and sunglasses and sitting down, I always had him be "The Boss" who ordered all the hits and commanded the bad guys. The good guys never got to him, either. Even as a child I had a keen sense of how the world works.

He must seem totally weird to Grown Ass Men who spend upwards of 20 hours a week quoting The Simpsons.

Doug Jones: Totally Flaming Gay, or Too Hard To Tell In Print Format?

Megan Fox?

It better be grass-fed free-range chicken. I only consume the flesh of animals who were happy before they had their throats cut.

What about "North of the Rockies?" You can't say that's anything like America. That's another fucking planet.

It was actually "Fudge not, lest ye be fudged."

If you punch him you'll see real bluebirds.

I instinctively beat up life-size pieces of fairy art whenever I see them, too. So you can't hold it against the cops. There's no training that can prepare you for seeing something like that, just walking around in public. Seriously, he looks like he was drawn by John Bauer.

Wait…so you're not a gimmick?

You're not sure it's logical? Maybe that's because you're a prissy bespectacled hipster c#nt-face prick. I'm pretty sure the interstate highway system has inflicted more damage to native ecosystems than a few hundred beer cans. Ed Abbey was a fucking saint. Not like these modern environ-mentalists who think there's a…

1. You assume that common sense has a place in the State Department. Bwa-hahahahaha!!!

One does not simply walk into Iran….it's gates are guarded by more than orcs. Allahuorcbar!

*leaks rainbow sherbet from wound, causes earthquake

Tony, yes, or, as his motha says, Anthony.

He wasn't pissed. He was sore.

Did it ever occur to you that they WERE spies? Let me ask you this: If they WEREN'T spies—if they were just innocent hipsters out to appreciate the beauty of another culture—why didn't the people at the State Department stomp their feet and demand their release? Why wasn't there any *serious* diplomatic pressure…

I hope the Pacific is as big and blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope to see my dolphin again and shake his fin. I hope.

Do all penises kinda curl off to the left?

The real Wesley was just playing "country-dumb."