There are so many things I'd like to say in response to this article, but because I'm not a porn actress, my self-esteem isn't quite high enough for me to think you would want to read them.

According to the picture, Monique Alexander looks like Taylor Swift's skanky older sister. And I mean that in a good way.

According to the picture, Monique Alexander looks like Taylor Swift's skanky older sister. And I mean that in a good way.

And apparently tastes like champagne!

And apparently tastes like champagne!

That's a lot to share with strangers.

That's a lot to share with strangers.

I don't drink champagne, so I'm not sure I have an answer for you. Although I don't think either of those are conversations I would want to be a part of. But the song would have been funnier.

I don't drink champagne, so I'm not sure I have an answer for you. Although I don't think either of those are conversations I would want to be a part of. But the song would have been funnier.

I don't do the Twitter, so without this story I would have had no idea how funny Jenny Johnson is. Thanks, Chris Brown!

I don't do the Twitter, so without this story I would have had no idea how funny Jenny Johnson is. Thanks, Chris Brown!

"Champagne tastes like jizz to me"… As someone who actually likes Ke$ha, I have to say I wish she had gotten that backward.

"Champagne tastes like jizz to me"… As someone who actually likes Ke$ha, I have to say I wish she had gotten that backward.

The world needs more of this kind of analysis. I am not being sarcastic. It really does.

The world needs more of this kind of analysis. I am not being sarcastic. It really does.

I showed Twilight again and I am so glad to be done with it. It made a bunch of money, but I'm tired of it.

I showed Twilight again and I am so glad to be done with it. It made a bunch of money, but I'm tired of it.

I wish we had realized! We could have DVRd so much stuff!

I wish we had realized! We could have DVRd so much stuff!

That sounds like the perfect college job.