"Go ahead, sweetheart, take whatever you want."

"Your scruff, by the way, is perfect. Do NOT change the setting on your beard trimmer."

Wow, New Girl is on an incredible hot streak. The last four straight episodes have been consistently hilarious, and it feels like the writers could do this for years. It kind of reminds me of that point in the 90s where sitcoms tended to peak around their fifth or sixth year, rather than have an amazing second year…

Mabel called him "creep," which was even better.

I wonder if Blubs and Earl are the Gramp-gramps of Lolph and Dundgren?

What device was Tamara (or whatever her name is, Cell Phone Girl) playing with? It would be too early for almost anything besides handheld games, right?

You just know Hirsch was telling him to hit the highest note he possibly could and hold it. There was a moment during the "mute button" bit where I briefly thought he'd gravitated into a range only dogs could hear.

Mabel's really good at taking the temperature of a room and going along with it. She's going to be Roger Sterling some day.

"I called the government to see if they could get them to have the date legally removed, and now I can't fly on airplanes anymore!"

Jewish characters on TV occasionally have Italian names. It's known as "Constanza syndrome," and affects up to two television characters every three decades.

He was great on Men of a Certain Age, but not many people watched it, which was the problem.

Take away the "no" at the end of your response: what's left is a rhetorical question that, by repeating my own, could well be emphasizing it.

He seems constitutionally incapable of slowing down. According to On Writing, he writes at least 10 single-spaced manuscript pages every day. I imagine if he slowed down, he would experience something equivalent to the sensation where you spend 30 minutes looking at an essay prompt and all your ideas leak out of your…

"Brooklyn Nine-Nine is a show about friendship. Take away all the
investigations, the Wuntch puns, all of Rosa’s leather: What’s left is
all of these characters’ friendships with each other."

That just means you wouldn't be able to throw a mountain at him.

I always confuse Doug Benson with Doug Stanhope. Either way, it seems like people named "Doug" have a bit of an uphill battle when it comes to being funny. See also: The Nostalgia Critic.

That's what you said when I asked you how to get to Carnegie Hall! Wait… are you saying the two are related?

Haaiiirrry Baby!

No, which means I probably would- but it's more that I'm one of those people too timid to actually be an asshole in real life. So I'd constantly be trying to be an asshole, thinking I'd gone too far, apologizing for it, and then losing the game because I'm putting more thought into the social aspect of the whole thing…

I've always sort of wanted to apply to this show, somehow hide evidence that I've got a graduate degree, then go on the show and just mercilessly destroy a 5th grader, all while being as big an asshole as possible to the kid about it.