Nah, they'd probably fine you for jerking off in the Mall of America food court.

You know what the midwest is? Young and restless
Where restless (n*ggas) might snatch your necklace
And next these (n*ggas) might jack your Lexus
Somebody tell these (n*ggas) who Alex Trebek is

Think of all of the amazing knockoff songs they could have come up with if they'd been willing to have some fun with this:
"Slap Me, Boyfriend, Once Again"
"Whoops, I Messed Up Once More"
"I've Gone Through Puberty but Not Yet Emotionally Matured"

All those pretty people, plus whoever they cast to play Matthew Perry.

I still stand by my assessment that T&Y was the best album of 2015, even better than To Pimp a Butterfly. I feel like I get something new out of it every time I listen.

My favorite soap is "All My Children (are going to be put in internment camps)"

He habitually tells it like it is, which is why he named the comic "Chronic Blunt Man.

As someone who was fourteen years-old and living in New Jersey when Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back came out, I will say that it is a completely perfect movie. As someone who is probably older than fourteen by this point, I would like to beg Kevin Smith to not go back to that well again.

Hello, person from two months ago. I finally saw Rogue One last night and I'm really tempted to agree with you. ROTJ was definitely my favorite movie as a kid, and I think that what made it so great was that there was so much action, but all of the action also worked as character development (for Leia in particular),…

Dibs!

I bet the three other guys in Pissed Jeans hate that one guy who has abs and refuses to wear a shirt on their album covers.

Nightcrawler is one of the two brilliant films of this decade, along with Beasts of the Southern Wild.

I second this hot take.

There's not really degrees of winning at the PGA. You can't win more than one award, so it's either you win or you lose. Saying "La La Land and Stranger Things win at Producers Guild Awards" would convey the exact same information.

That's not a moon! This is a moon!

I hope this one finally has some singing in it.

Come on, Matt, you couldn't give me a few minutes of time to catch up and post this first? You're killing me.

The best part of being a server when I needed a job but didn't actually need very much money was that I never, ever had to work Friday or Saturday nights. Somebody was always willing to take those shifts from me.

I'm reading The Leftovers by Tom Perrotta. It's the first Perrotta book I've ever read. I'm about half way through and so far I'm intrigued. I don't know how plot heavy his books tend to get so I'm really unsure of what to expect from the second half.

Don't let Vincent Vega find out how much you charge for a milkshake.