"It's like there's a party in my mouth, and everyone's throwing up."

No Matter How Hard I Want, I Can't Get Into
American Beauty. From the opening moment where KPAX is doing his voice-over, it just reeks of self-satisfied faux Buddhist wisdom. Filming a plastic bag, fuck you, die. But I do loves me some Rev. Road, so what the hell.

Tom Selleck, does that mean you're afraid of 'Wild Wild West'? Worst phobia ever.

Red is Republican, blue is Democrat. You use your powers to blast chads and fund whisper campaigns. It's da BAWLS.

I have no idea what this is apropos of, but I've had three or four dreams where I am sitting with Iggy Pop and David Johansen, listening to them argue over the 1970's NY scene until they come to blows. As a recurring dream, it's more than a little surreal than I prefer.

And all were too wrapped up in excusing this interminable absence (hey, someone gotta lay on the guilt) to buttrape the non-too-subtle firstie.

Holy crap in a pita, I thought my wife was the only person to have ever seen the Carpet Mart Ghostbusters ad. She has been telling me about this commercial for fifteen years, the guy with the carpet strapped to his back like it's Egon's backpack, and pointing out said Carpet Mart every time we pass through PA. Jesus…

I'd hope that this was at least dictated in part by Ozzy to somone; or you'd think that a publicist or some such lackey would have else edited out the more inane parts of the release.

Fuck the Camel Guy, I thought Kool Sax looked suspiciously like John Holmes, just with less-curly hair.

Jesus, I totally forgot about Camel Guy until this piece. But now I remember seeing those ads and thinking—even knowing he was a marketing hack's creation—that he looked like was doing some badass Indiana Jones shit.

I am not a number! I am a free man!