Pudgy the Whale pitted out that shirt like it was high noon in the desert, I mean I hadn't seen flopsweat like that since Dick Nixon hit the airwaves.  Actually, you know I learned later he's got the stagefright, I felt bad, too, cause the boy can really blow.

The colonel here makes a couple of fair points, but hey the limey cat said "anything I sang."  And I tell ya, in the September of my years I was still always interested in bringing in new songwriters, kids like Jimmy Webb and Paul Anker, that wonderful husband and wife team, the Carpenters — see if we couldn't keep…

Buddy, I'll tell you this sincerely, I've got a better voice out my back end than your coverboy Bobby Dylan ever did out his front.

Tough to read after you've wiped your keister with it.  I've had one of my guest bathrooms stocked with that rag since the mid '60s.

Look at this, a british cat tossing away the Great American Songbook.  Remember when we tossed your tea in the drink and your little lord fuckpants back across the ocean?

Sad to hear Vegas has gone in the crapper, it was different when certain friends of ours ran the town.  And the crowd you so aptly describe had the right idea about cheering Old Glory, but they would never have been allowed in the showrooms.  Shirt with a collar, tie and jacket, shoes shined up like pennies, that was…

You gotta lot of nerve, kid, I give you that.  But about my current residence let's just say you're not so much a Holly-Go-Rightly.  Ha ha, I got that from Mickey Rooney—who I've just been informed is still alive.  How the hell is that even possible, I'm gonna talk to someone up here about getting a suite ready

Can't say I ever saw the racing car picture we did, supposedly it stunk up the joint, but doing the one day with Sammy and Dean, I wouldn't have missed it for the world.  I'll never forget what I told the arab kid, from the MASH show, the kid always in the dress, I say to him "back up a bit, you're blocking my…

Someone claiming to be my agent came to me with this, I pick up the phone, "Frank they want you for this kiddie picture, you'd play yourself, Frank Smurfatra."  I said what the fuck is this,  the line goes dead.  Kids, I tellya WC Fields had it right, you don't wanna work for them or even near them. I still get the…

I'm kidding, I did see this flick and thing I found most frightening was
the director cat showing up as some kind of helper to Holbrooks.  I said now we know why he's named carpenter after that wooden performance, I mean
Laurence Harvey in a trance showed more signs of life than this guy.

Tormé's got talent, sure, but don't tell me he can carry a picture.  Talk about a horror show, who's lining up to see a goiter 30 feet high?

Oh, buddy, didn't see you down there.  What are you, more a fan of that Johnny Mathis, is that right?  I suppose you dig a vibrato you can drive a truck through.  Ha ha, around here we like to kid Mathis, or as we know him, "the African queen."  But seriously… anybody ever tell you you got a mouth like a bowling pin. …

I tellya buddy, in my day you had a pocketful of quarters, you were not heading to no arcade to beep-beep around with a stick in your hand.  People enjoyed seeing other people back then.  For half a quarter you'd hit a show, a picture, a second show, another picture. You might see a skinny kid singer, over the heads…

You were a little slow that time.

Jimmy Webb, the kid could write a song.  In '79 I took that one and cut it down, gave folks the filet mignon, took out the cake stuff and no one missed it believe me.  Another one, 'Didn't We' I was gifted with a wonderful arrangement by the great Don Costa.  With that beard Don looked like something out of a Bela…

You wanna talk defining an era, in '64 I laid down a little tune called Fly Me to the Moon.  It was out of this world, and I mean the Apollo 11 astronauts took it with em, up to that big beautiful rock in the sky you look at every night of your life.  God bless those guys, they made the impossible possible.  Who could…

You knockin' the man in the sky *and* the outfit that took me in, after Columbia told me I was finished in this industry?  Kid, you'll never know what it is to have million dollar pipes and nowhere to play 'em.