It's exactly like the actual version, except the All-Consuming Sarlacc is the hero.

Patricia Arquette
The greatest donkey girlscout of our age.

You've been drinking, Caruso.

Cautiously… what?
I can't imagine the missing word is "optimistic."

Copy Editor Chiang Kai-Shek.

POON ONNA RE-E-E-E-EZZZZ!

A guess: Your name is Tony Doogan?

I'd be almost afraid to read a biography of Burl. I'm sure there are some details we'd all rather not know. I'd just prefer to think of him as an amiable simpleton whose opinions we all revere.

And on to Archie's ass.

Don't forget whitest college basketball team.

Looks like all you have to do is click on his name and there it is. I just figured it out myself.

I've seen failures you people wouldn't believe. Failures on cancerfire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched failures glitter in the dark near the Tanhauser Gate. All those failures will be lost in time, like failures in rain.

No one talks about The Keep. I saw that in the theatre, and though I was but a young scamp, it's really stuck with me. Even then I detected that it was an unfinished piece (I'm sure Mann's original cut was as rich and lovingly illustrated as Frank Darabont's early draft), and I wonder if it'll ever get its due, or if…

Let me reconfigure your joke for you, Unrepentant Racist - it needs a little more Hamburger.

Johhny 5 must survive!

Jamie Lee Curtis was in the following three horror classics:

WHAT ABOUT WIG WAG.
I haven't gone through the comments yet, and it may have been mentioned; and maybe Wig Wag still exists down in the States somewhere, but up here in Canada that glorious interlaced chocolate-and-caramel treat is long gone.

The Ted Knight sitcom was called Too Close For Comfort and featured an episode in which the gay roomate is raped by two fat ladies in a parking lot.

Arsenio, are you saying you don't have huge cans?

I have knowteced nothing amis's.