I read that as Rob Ford. I don't think I want to see how he looks now.

I used to prefer Fudd but I stopped drinking it after all those hillbillies went blind.

Permítanme asegurarles que la Iglesia de Scientology nunca es espeluznante. Somos cariñosos y divertidos, como los artistas más queridos de América, Tom Cruise y John Travolta. No se olvide de ver a la momia el 9 de junio!

Permítanme asegurarles que la Iglesia de Cienciología no tolera la agresión sexual y nunca interferirá con una investigación policial. No se deje engañar por los apóstatas descontentos que hacen afirmaciones maliciosas y calumniosas de lo contrario.

And here I am, stuck with my analog penis, like a chump!

Are we doing April Fools Day early this year? This can't be real.

Just to piss Jackson off, they should have Nick Fury in the movie but make it regular Marvel universe white Nick Fury.

Now play Classical Gas!

My friends and I used to choose toppings by lottery. Everyone would write what they want on a slip of paper and someone would draw them out of a hat. That's how you get the really interesting combinations like the time we had anchovies, pineapple and hot peppers. Once the hat speaks, there was no overruling it. …

Yeah, like negative yardage to move out of field goal range when they could have made it a 2 score game with under 4 minutes to go.

Did she take 5 minutes to announce it?

Will I see this movie? The number nein.

Then, eat her instead. Two birds, one stone.

Dame Judy Dench it is!

Nothing is impossible on Christmas Eve!

I pay taxes so I don't have to read!

Are there no dungeons? Are there no whorehouses?

Thank goodness. I was worried that they would leave out Roddy Piper's Christmas Carol. That would be a travesty.

I already did that. The doctor got them out but they don't work anymore. Completely rectum.

I blame Apple's largest shareholder, Forrest Gump.