Well according to my mom I'm the most handsome boy in school and any girl would be lucky to date me, so I dunno.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but I can guarantee that the moment you turned your back she was seduced by some tan, mellow surfer with a blonde moptop and an insidiously charming accent named Finn or Liam or Jody or something. Australians are evil, devious lechers.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but I can guarantee that the moment you turned your back she was seduced by some tan, mellow surfer with a blonde moptop and an insidiously charming accent named Finn or Liam or Jody or something. Australians are evil, devious lechers.

Australians are really the worst. I'm half-convinced that they are conducting a secret war on America in which the entire strategy is to have sex with our nation's girlfriends.

Australians are really the worst. I'm half-convinced that they are conducting a secret war on America in which the entire strategy is to have sex with our nation's girlfriends.

Well, yeah, of course, that was probably 95% of why it happened. But it's that other 5% that haunts me.

Well, yeah, of course, that was probably 95% of why it happened. But it's that other 5% that haunts me.

I'm usually not the guy who makes appearance-related comments on the internet, but Aubrey Plaza looks an awful lot like my ex-girlfriend. In a confusing, disturbing way. And it's frustrating, because she's clearly very beautiful and I enjoy seeing pictures of her and watching her on tv and in movies, but every time I…

I'm usually not the guy who makes appearance-related comments on the internet, but Aubrey Plaza looks an awful lot like my ex-girlfriend. In a confusing, disturbing way. And it's frustrating, because she's clearly very beautiful and I enjoy seeing pictures of her and watching her on tv and in movies, but every time I…

My racist douchebag roommate my freshman year of college was a member of the "if Dave Chappelle says it, it's okay for me to say it" school of thought. The Clayton Bigsby sketch was his absolute favorite and he would unironically quote it all of the time. It was perfect because it provided an excuse to spew a bunch of…

My racist douchebag roommate my freshman year of college was a member of the "if Dave Chappelle says it, it's okay for me to say it" school of thought. The Clayton Bigsby sketch was his absolute favorite and he would unironically quote it all of the time. It was perfect because it provided an excuse to spew a bunch of…

"Cake eater" is actually a nice bit of Minneapolis verisimilitude, as it has been used to refer to denizens of the suburb of Edina (home of the villainous team from the first Mighty Ducks movie and real-life home of countless rich assholes) for decades. http://en.wikipedia.org/wik…

"Cake eater" is actually a nice bit of Minneapolis verisimilitude, as it has been used to refer to denizens of the suburb of Edina (home of the villainous team from the first Mighty Ducks movie and real-life home of countless rich assholes) for decades. http://en.wikipedia.org/wik…

9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB

WHERE IS OBAMA'S REAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE

I'm still holding out for pog form.

R.I.P.

Oh good, I was hoping that he'd be gifted, sexually.

how about "Brett Ratner is a terrible person and an even worse director, something something butt book."

Too soon.