Also, dude, cripple is not the preferred nomenclature. Gimp-American, please.

I would disassemble it first, then box up the parts separately. Use a nice wrapping paper, and the card should be personalized and appropriate to the occasion.

I would think you would want to keep your condom as un-holey as possible.

That's funny, I was just asking a Jewish friend today why the current Jewish holiday was considered the "holiest" of holidays. In what units of measurement is holiness calculated?

Ouch. If only there were some magic Christian oil out there to ease my wounded pride…

Can't I just be Mel Gibson and choose both?

It's been proven thoroughly ineffective against cancerAIDS.

keep anointin' that chicken.

That would actually probably work as a convincing defense to rape or incest in several Southern states.

Elitist Trash beat us both to the punch.

Testamonial?
I guess that's a specifically Christian testimonial, spelled with an "a" to make it look/sound more like the word "testament"?

Dad-up-in-ya Dreamin'

Dude, I think she likes you.

Best way to maintain your anonymity and not arouse anyone's interest: be played by Ben Affleck.

If female, be willing to make appearances with Nathan Rabin as his "girlfriend".

That's why I say "Hey man, jackpot!"

"Bing, what are you doin' here? I thought I told you to go flog your mother!"

Are you Kevin Smith by any chance, Area Man?

Thanks Phel. Now I can't unsee the image of Billy Ray/Miley Cirus incest.

You forgot to mention
"willing to sample exotic and possibly disgusting foods"