Anti-Drug Afterschool Specials
Hey, I played a dealer in one of these things! I think it was called, like, The Dangers of Dangerous Drugs That Are Dangerous, or something similar. I walked up to some teenagers and said, "Hey, kids, you wanna buy some STUFF?" I then was asked to specify what sort of stuff I was…

Not like anyone is gonna read this, but to answer your questions, the set was depressing mostly thanks to Messr. Lawrence. He looked very distraught and, dare I say, bitter during filming, and several times he'd take extras aside and ask pleadingly, "What happened to me? Why am I still in a fatsuit?"
One time I was…

Come on, people, go see Big Mommas
I have a small role in it!

I was in John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars as one of those inexplicably mutated people on Mars because of the gas or whatever. I'm pretty sure Carpenter was phoning it in and even he knew he was making a piece of shit, because when one mutant jokingly yelled out "What's my motivation?" he said "You're mutated, and…

I wasn't, I was talking with food in my mouth. Obviously, equally gross, but different. Besides, you want to eat as much catered food as quickly as possible when you're an extra before they shoo you away from the table.

Will Smith
I got kicked off a set for an altercation with Will Smith during the filming of The Pursuit of Happyness. He walked past me while I was talking with my mouth full of delicious, delicious catered food and apparently he thought I was making fun of the way he is perceived to speak and accused me of being…

It was early [Season 3? 4?] I was a deliveryman with slick black hair. I think I said something; it might have been cut.

I worked with Helms during a guest stint on The Office [that's right, speaking role, bitches!] Actually a pretty nice guy. Gave me the standard, "Hey, I worked my way up, maybe you can too," speech. I don't think he realized I've been doing this for 20 years, at least. I look a little younger than I actually am.

Airwolf had a fantastic themesong. Even my bitter, bitter heart acknowledges this. They may have not even called me back, but that themesong is awesome.

You fucking assholes. You think I liked being some uncredited thankful guy on a train? Of course I didn't! I couldn't give a shit whether you liked my thankfulness. I needed money. I always need money.

Oh, yeah, amazing
Never mind that there already were 3 Spiderman movies, not to mention one that I was in. In the second one, I was on the train. I looked very appreciative that Spiderman had saved me.

Once I was a body double for Adam Sandler [I don't even remember the fucking movie anymore]. No one told me exactly what this would entail, but I figured that it just meant, you know, being Sandler from far away in location shots— at this point, I had been a body double a couple times before, and that's always what it…

Attack of the Killer Refrigerator
You know what? Let's not talk about that one.

Disturbia, fun film, right? I had a non-speaking role [of course] as, let's face it, an extra. I was one of the final six in callbacks for the creepy guy [role eventually given to David Morse], but they told me I was "too intense."

I had a role in Snakes on a Plane
David Ellis said that, essentially, he needed to fill seats on the "plane"— in reality, it was a combination of a shitty set and CG, and initially promised me I'd get a speaking part. "I know how hard you work," he said. Never got a speaking part. I am on the plane in a few scenes,…