Alton Brown needs a beating.

I did! Except for Fieri, the only thing I fucked him out of was the $10 he bet me that his haircut would get him laid in Miami.

Bull. Crap.
This is nothing like real cooking. Why would someone buy this shit instead of just buying some real cooking utensils!

Michael Symon's faggy soul patch makes me want to hurl.

Maybe someday if you're lucky, I"ll let you all smell my bedsheets. I've spread more sauce across the Food Network staff than Heinz and Hunt's combined. Hell, one night I got loaded on Petron and painted a pair of tits on Alton Brown's back.

Don't I know it!
She was taking a tube steak to the face last night! Throwdown, baby!

Arizona Stronghold wine
Great stuff. To cook with. I remember one time Maynard and I took a bunch of mescaline and cooked up the best batch of stuffed cabbage I've ever had in my life. I'm still trying to recapture that lightning. That meal was as sweet as Paula Deen's back sweat.

more nonesense
These lists are for the birds. What about the episode of Iron Chef America where I made Cady Huffman laugh so hard one of her cans fell out? Or, how about the Throwdown where I took on two fat guineas from the Bronx on a meatball throwdown? Sure, they won, but it was still great tv, I'm not too proud to…

someone needs a beating
You rank that sun-dried junkie Bourdain, but Hot Off the Grill doesn't evne get a mention? You're lucky I've got two handfuls of Rachael Ray back-fat right now, or I'd be ringing your collective necks!

Fourteen bucks for a pretzel?!
You blew it, baldy. Come to Bolo NY, $14 will get you the tastiest porkchops smothered in blackened mango chutney you've ever tasted. While I'm at it, I'll have that mongoloid Guy Fieri serve it to you!

are you doing a worst two-season run list?
If so, throw that twerp Alton Brown's shitty show about eating asphalt on there. He's gonna be feasting on asphalt after I leave him in the dust with my five-star blue corn gaspatcho.

Is somebody lookin for a Throwdown?

Hey, Stacy, what do you say we give the fine folks of The Onion AV Club a show and have ourselves a little Best Gimmick Poster THROWDOWN!!!!

Hey, Josh Modell….
Word on the street is you mix up a mean blood margarita. Thought I might interest you in a little THROWDOWN!

Nice website, freeze. Maybe when I get done showing your sorry ass how to make 4-pepper guacamole, I'll show you how to use the internet, bozo.

Tyler Florence is a pretty boy that needs a beatin.

If you think my wife is hot, you should see the tail I'm pulling on the side!

That sounds like a throwdown challenge to me! You and me, be bo ba, turkey and stuffing throwdown, I'm gonna embarass you in front of your family with my jalapeno blackened stuffing then give your grandmother a good stuffing right in front of you.

Alton Brown….
I'm officially calling you out, four-eyes. Throwdown time, bitch. You name the time, the place, and the dish, and leave the props at home, Gallagher. I'm gonna have you calling my size 12 boots 'good eats' by the time I'm done with you.

Hey, Tso, how about you back up that tough talk with a throwdown, hot shot?