Thank God we have Trump's hands to slice that pie for us now.

You might want to recalibrate what your definition of "winner" is.

Are you saying Trump is gay? Because he dresses way, way too shitty to be gay.

Beyonce is too…scary, wink wink, for most of the electorate. Put Tom Hanks at the top of the ticket and you got a winner.

They had a relevancy problem. Then they had a gerrymandering and voter suppression solution.

I saw a CNN clip where some random white lady said Carson was qualified because of his leadership skills, and Marc Lamont Hill said that Ghostface Killah is the leader of Wu-Tang, maybe he should be the head of HUD. Then everyone except random white lady laughed for the rest of the segment, and it was honestly the…

What I honestly, truly don't get is, why? Obviously, money. But…isn't there way more money to be had by slowly bilking us over the course of decades, rather than grabbing everything they can, then blowing the world up so their money is useless? They're turning into comic book villains, seemingly just because the…

808s & Genocide

Dems are probably going to lose 2020 anyway, so it would at least be somewhat entertaining to hear the screeching on the right over a ridiculously unqualified, clearly mentally ill person running for President.

Everything is a distraction from everything else. And honestly, good. It's hard enough to think about the truly horrible things that are about to happen, might as well spend time thinking about the dark comedy of the circus taking over while we wait for the bombs to fall.

And if Kanye did do something truly awful, like wipe out a country with an itchy nuclear weapon trigger finger, we'd at least get a masterpiece of an album about how bad he felt about it.

I almost burnt down my apartment by putting a frozen pizza in then blacking out for the next six hours. Don't make frozen pizza alone and drunk.

But then all of the ash that used to be your body will mingle with theirs for eternity.

There's a decent chance that Skip Bayless is the only person in the world I'd rather have less as President than Trump.

It…is though.

I love the ones you still encounter on NPR or other news articles about Trump's conflicts of interest who say things like "When's Clinton going to release her emails?! Trump shouldn't do anything until she does!" Clinton isn't about to become fucking president!

"Why can't white people say n*****? It's just a word!" "Because that's racist." "Stop calling us racist! It hurts our feelings when you say we're racist!"

I deleted everyone who voted for Trump, save one coworker. I instead hid her. Man, online life is so much easier.

I watched Parenthood and had to explain to countless people that "No, it's actually really good and not the Hallmark Card turned TV show you think it is!" And still, I can't get over that This is Us looks exactly like the show people who didn't watch Parenthood assumed that was.

He's not a sleeper agent. He's an incompetent baboon that anyone can manipulate just by telling him how big and powerful his hands are.