…choking on a peach pit.

I JERK OFF WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT THE AV CLUB'S COMMENTING POLICY!

That's interesting, because what I don't like about them is that they sound like a slicked up version of Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, in that their instruments are much more in tune, and the singer is too good.  I like my lo-fi garage rock particularly raw and garage-y.

Yeah, but he really isn't the star of Fast Five, Vin Diesel is, and to a lesser extent, Paul Walker and bad-ass automobiles.  Sure, you can shoehorn him into an existing successful property and it will do well, but his above-the-title solo starring action films - The Rundown, Doom, Faster - have not done well.

After debuting as a leading man in The Scorpion King, none of the action movies he's starred in have cleared $50 million in domestic box office.  What did?  The Game Plan, Race to Witch Mountain, and The Tooth Fairy.  So don't blame him, blame the moviegoing public at large.

Yes, because no movie featuring an otherwise talented comedian has ever sucked.

For what it's worth, I really am Wade.

I scanned through five pages of comments looking for somebody to mention this.  When it comes time for the climax (pun totally intended) of your movie about a 40 year old virgin who finally has sex, how else could you possibly portray the profound ecstasy and release of the moment other than through a gloriously…

I didn't at all care for "The Man Who Wasn't There", which had inarguably absolutely nothing to do with this film, in seeing as it was an invisible man movie starring Steve Guttenberg made in 3D.

HEY-YO!

He's who the what now?

What was Tyler Perry doing in your study?

Tyler Perry.

I'd like to comment on Jessica Simpson's most impressive talents, so why don't I go ahead and flag myself right now.

Nope.  Not even close.

In the neighborhood where my friend lives, there are signs referring to them as "Speed Table"s, which I saw and immediately thought sounded like a piece of redneck junkie furnishing.  "Hey Bubba, wanna do some meth?  Let's take a stroll over to the speed table."

Fun fact: In this movie, Charlton Heston gives the worst performance ever to win any sort of acting award.  And not just the big ones like Oscars or Golden Globes or whatnot; there are third graders who get a blue ribbon for school plays that create more convincing and authentic portrayals than Heston in this film.

"Depp, show us your tits!"

And how about another World's Greatest Athlete film, starring a still very athletic and commercially viable Jan-Michael Vincent?

I for one am dying to know whatever became of the computer that wore tennis shoes.