I watched a ten-year-old play with one for about five minutes. I wanted to slap the shit out of him.

Tiffany is like all whatevs.

Melania: Barron! Come over and look at this picture of daddy!

Hwaet?

They're actually trying to find out how to spell Gary.

Oh, cheez.

My son is going to Dayton on a business trip next month. What should he do when he's there? (His plan is to buy a pizza and a six pack and sit in his room with the door locked till it's time to go to the meeting.)

I am a native South Carolinian. Each time I try to write chihuahua in Word, I get flagged for a spelling error: I am supposed to capitalize. Randall Colburn can apparently do what he likes.

Actually, even though I sort of detest Great News, this makes it much likelier that I will settle in to the Peacock Network, the place for comedy!

Sedaris has a vocabulary that sometimes seems out-of-date. His use of the word queer to mean "odd" is an example you see throughout his writing and in the interview here.

This is actually why Chuck Berry had all those cameras.

I use the free Kindle app on a cheap tablet. Am I doing this wrong?

GODDAMMIT.

Isn't it time yet for the Carpenters backlash?

You're supposed to avoid any Andy Griffith Show that's in color. So what do we do with these colorized atrocities? (I haven't seen them. I am just assuming, with 100% certainty, that they are atrocities.)

For the rest of us who need to be gently brought up to your level.

Plus an album cover that will get you arrested in most states.

I keep telling my students to stop wasting time reading Harry Potter and other YA books, to graduate to real literature now that they're in college. And then I never get any of the Harry Potter questions right on Jeopardy.

Yes. Fuck him. I'm calling AARP.

My granddad had a LOT of Bennett Cerf's humor books. (He was a Baptist preacher, and he liked to begin his sermons with a joke.) I loved those books and stole all kinds of jokes from them. Unfortunately, many of the jokes didn't work for my second grade friends.