We have a giant Halloween web in the lobby of our gym. One of the kids in the children’s program suggested that we needed spiders in the web. I gave him an alarmed look. “Wow. That’s not good. There WERE spiders in there!”

Please, please, please, please tell me those pictures aren’t real.

Sadly I am not - I’m out of my house due to renovation and 20 miles away. But I have put it on my calendar for next year for sure. And maybe a psycho clown, because everyone loves clowns, right?

The adjacent neighborhood to mine goes all out for Halloween, and one house did a spider thing, including rigging them in the trees to come down on unsuspecting people (read: me). Naturally I screamed and ran into the street, nearly killing myself; first from tripping over tree roots, second from embarrassment.

Can’t hate...I would do the same thing.

There are many other Halloween decorations: bats, skulls, ghosties, witches, rats, caldrons, fake gravestone etc. The gun-toter is wrong, the co-workers are dicks. NO ONE WINS.

I have a BB gun that I use to take spiders out from a dozen feet away. Phobias make you do unhinged things...

His co-workers sound like a pile of rotting dicks too though.

Yeah, I mean, obviously waving a gun around is crazy, but phobias by definition are illogical and irrational. It sounds like his coworkers purposefully triggered his phobia because they thought it would be funny to watch him panic, then they complanied that he acted unhinged while in the midst of a panic attack. It’s…

If they knowingly hung spiders everywhere after he specifically said that he had a phobia, then fuck them. Don’t play with people’s phobias. People who do that are the scum of the earth. Otherwise, don’t wave guns around. Not cool.

GELLA, NO

Phobias are highly irrational entities.

First rule of nature, nature wants to kill you. Don’t go into nature.

Is a prairie dog the same as a dingo? Because it will eat.... never mind. I’m walking myself out now.

don’t squirrels carry it? i remember a story about squirrels carrying a plague of some kind. god damn squirrels. just rats with bushy tails... YA DONT FOOL ME SQUIRRELS!!

Troupe:
What’s that coming up the Silk Road
Out of China?
The Black Death, Black Death, woo!

What’s that creeping round your peepee
And your vagina?
The Black Death, Black Death, woo!

The Black Death,
It’s gonna get ya
It’s the Black Death,
It’s gonna hit ya with those blisters,
Oozing like syrup
That pesty little pestilence is…

You can be my manspread and I’ll be your bread
Ride it like the Subway, I ain’t no Jared.
Take a stab at it, wait, no, the opposite
Don’t catch a case, I’ll bring the softdrink.

#PoemsForJezebel

It’s cool they caught him, but fuck this fascist Giuliani bullshit: