Greatest tweet of all time.

“there’s no evidence to support the perception he intended to create alarm.”

I really believe that they just wanted to be mean, but maybe that’s giving them too much credit because I also believe that they’re dumb enough to have thought that it could be a bomb.

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life fucking only one person, you want the rest of your life to, like, be put on hold for a little while maybe.

I have an exclusive pic of the wedding:

Amazing that someone so upset about sodomy would live somewhere called “Morehead.”

So can the View die now? Please?

Little bit of Daniel tosh mixed in as well

She’s realized it a crueller world out there for a brat.

I can’t believe we’re giving them a cookie for doing their damn jobs. Damn universitis & their frats

Okay, but that sounds to me like someone used to be a fraternity member and committed rape afterwards. Maybe it’s just me, and I’m not trying to be difficult REALLY I SWEAR I’M NOT.

So, let me get this right. Someone did a rape kit, got a DNA sample from the accused rapist, looked at video footage, matched the guy’s DNA to the DNA from the rape kit, took seriously the accounts of another woman who came forward more than a year after the fact, and actually charged the fucker with felony rape…

Yeah I don’t know where Dame Mirren is going with this...