BAH! Everyone knows the real Konami Code was Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, SELECT, Start! But you damn lazy kids, too busy with your fancy smanchy Cellulite Phones and your Justin Beavers! It’s no wonder you kids can’t be bothered to use the correct Konami Code, what with all that Mary Jane…

I expected so much more of Bloomberg reporters the head of communication for Juicero

Love that this “accidentally single handedly started an HIV outbreak” motherfucker is the face of responsible conservatism.

Hernandez learned everything he knew about the Bible from Tim Tebow, which explains why his understanding of it was incomplete.

But also, why the hell would a juice press need four tons of force? Is it juicing granite boulders or some shit?

Doug Evans, the company’s founder, would compare himself with Steve Jobs in his pursuit of juicing perfection. He declared that his juice press wields four tons of force—“enough to lift two Teslas,” he said.

This is my favourite excerpt.

In the last 24 hours, the Celtics went down 0-2 to a laughable Bulls team, Aaron Hernandez committed suicide, and Gronk yukked it up with a propaganda minister nobody respects.

Wow, this guy just can’t stop killing people. 

“Heat Check” and “Fam”? Fuck, I’m getting old. This doesn’t even seem like English anymore. Just put me out to pasture, already.

Why are the Republicans so gung ho on meddling in capitalism? The free market does. not. want. coal. anymore.

I live in Wyoming, where people fervently believe Priutt’s bullshit. If you want an uncomfortable silence, ask them why, if EPA regulations are responsible for killing the coal industry, China’s coal industry is also declining at a similar rate. (spoiler: the answer is Obama-something-something).

It is still not clear to the family how Malachi got his hands on the dangerous weapon. Stephens said that he got the gun from a friend who got it from someone else. Investigators are looking into finding out who originally had the gun and passed it to the friend, the news station notes.

Damn, that last tweet is beyond poignant.

Man...that last tweet though. Incredible.

“Actually you better watch your mouth white boy, before I stick these gators up your ass and show your insides some style!”

Godammn didn’t even know he was sick. God bless his family

“His username paid homage to the 15th century Aztec ruler Moctezuma II,” SI helpfully notes.

Because my documents do look better in Word than in Google Docs. And, oh, I’m a lawyer so I don’t want my documents from my clients and for my clients on the cloud.