To me it doesn’t look so much as “alien” more like a sonic screwdriver that got melted.

I don’t know if you’re aware of what “literally” means.
It literally isn’t designed to work the g-spot.
It’s literally a TV show prop, designed to do literally nothing else than fulfill the role of a TV show prop.

A new Doctor on Doctor Who means new everything: new monsters, new best friends, new TARDISes, and new gear.

... It looks like an alien pooped after eating radioactive corn.

Is it organic? Or did the Doctor just set it on the stove by mistake?