"i dance better than your grandma"? That's amazing.

I DID TOO. Huge mistake! I haven't had an XBL Gold account in years.

I was mostly just pouring out my anger, hurt, and frustration at being rejected, and since he cut me off in every other way, online was the only place I could really get through to him.

A-fucking-men to that. I was pretty excited to play online when I got an Xbox 360. I never used Xbox Live after the first day of hearing children screaming like banshees with Tourette's.

I think he's just lonely?

You are a one car family. You were the last to use the car. Your wife expresses annoyance that the low fuel light is on. Explain why your wife is right or wrong to be irritated. Show your work.

Your wife comes to you to tell you that Tina just said something to her that was completely out of order. Pick the correct response: "Tina..."

Good to know. :) Thanks!

I love the Sanskrit tattoo. Katy Perry is, like, so cultured and worldly. She probably calls India "the capital of zen".

"Dammit, Pickles, how many times have I told you to clean the bong after you use it?"

I am offended that you would accuse me of having such unclean kitchen counters.

Thanks for the inspiration! Party dog with Steve Buscemi eyes. :)

For all the problems I've had with my roommate over the last couple of years, I will say that he's been incredibly considerate about wiping up the cocaine off the kitchen counter so my cat doesn't ingest it.

Hey dawg, I heard you like pole dancing...

This was probably before she realized that preaching "acceptance" was the way to get into the gay market.

Alternate headline:

Eggs last six months in the fridge.

"Don't worry baby, you can't get pregnant again!"

I love how he's almost self aware enough to realize that he's just written something that could be easily read in the voice of Jame Gumb while "Goodbye Horses" plays in the background, then dismisses it just as easily as nobody else's business.