It’s like the universe is Netflix constantly trying to recommend House of Cards and all I want to watch is Futurama reruns (half of which are now removed from Netflix).

Real momma bears kick their children out of the house at 2 and never follow up with them. Moms should commit to the trope or stfu! You can’t be a momma bear to a 5 year old!

Also, likely unvaccinated, thereby raising the chance that disease outbreaks will occur in the vaccinated.

I was invited to a drum circle in Minnesota that ended up being a bunch of white people with dreadlocks and goatees and other unfortunate lifestyle choices, and it was one of the most mortifying evenings of my life.

I’m just saying that a kid that young isn’t doing it on purpose. A baby isn’t like “Hey, how do you like these apples you vegan fuck?”

I always hated that overrated movie, and I like Mike Judge. Everyday that passes though, and that movie becomes more prescient, is like a twisting screw into my temple.

And their hours are “11-ish to 9-ish”. Oh boy. That means maybe open by noon if we’re hung over while reserving the right to close at seven for no discernible reason.

Why do so many vegans have chubby kids?

The crunchy Mama Bear types are the worst. Their kids are indeed filthy gross rude little shits with no sense of authority or personal space. So much for making the world a better place.

That’s where the garden burger “meat” comes from

I think the baby committed. I think it bent over and spread them cheeks.

The level of Twilight-zone weirdness of hearing a grown-ass woman saying “Good job, Cayden” in a singsong voice 57 times in a row as Cayden folded a paper three times was enough to drive me to hardcore judging. Sorry. You’re probably one of the chill cool moms without realizing it.

You know, sometimes expectations are a life-limiting cage of our own making. Other times, they’re not. Baby buttholes, and the asbence from an eating place thereof, fall decidedly among the latter.

That sounds miserable. Who would want that? Ugh and you might have to wait an hour for food sometimes?? No. What if all of that happened on one visit? Long ass wait, kids running around yodeling, maybe a butthole.

As a mother, I offer my opinon that those crunchy motherfuckers let their dirty footed, bare-assed, obnoxiously personal-space-invading little shits run rampant all over their stupid fucking vegan restaurant. And I am positive the 1yo bent over to pick up a stray tofu-o from the ground sharing her butthole for all to…

I don’t particularly like children, but part of what is so exhausting about interacting with them is the “DON’T WAKE THE MAMA BEAR!!!!” attitude of this type of parent. The best parents are chill, know their kids are wild hellions, and try to put some space between the kids and other people going about their days. The…

Um, naked babies running around restaurants is unsanitary. Restaurant owners responding to bad reviews defensively and aggressively does no-one any good.

If I am eating at a restaurant and I see anyone’s butthole, I want an apology and a free dinner. Buttholes are a dealbreaker. And this is regardless of whether the butthole in question is a ten second butthole or a 15 minute butthole. Also, butthole is an intrinsically funny word, so kudos to Chelsea for using it…

I’m just saying, this kind of thing never happens at a steakhouse.