“He likes to cuddle now”

*looks up boredly from drying nails*

DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Valar Morgoopis

Farting is the BEST

My Mom would do her thing and I’d kick her leg under the table, and then she’d turn to me and say: “Why are you kicking my leg under the table?”

We all make that face when we’re about to give teenagers the autism.

The upselling is expected... they’re a business after all.

He looks like a Juggalo at his “straight” job as a Best Buy salesperson.

Kit’s like a hot Wooly Willy.

No. No, this is not “squee.”

I’m the opposite! I’m bi and usually say I’m more physically attracted to women, but sometimes I’ll see a really nice penis and be like “.... yuuuuuuup. Definitely not giving those up anytime soon.”

Man butts are so square sometimes! I told Mr Parade that his looks likes two white castle sliders nestled together and I think he’s still made at me -__-

She also organizes my colognes and combs.

Are we sure this isn’t an excerpt from a forthcoming novel by Bret Easton Ellis?

Sounds like a real Daddy’s Boy

FUCK YOU, Jeb.