I remember one time that I had a marijuana, and then got wasted on it. I was so wasted that I didn’t say no when he offered me another marijuana. I didn’t say no, because I was already dead

I assure you, plenty do not care one whit.

I actually want to know who threw that ball, which I didn’t even realize that happened until now.

A still-unsolved mystery: Where did Lady Gaga go after finishing her performance by leaping from the stage and catching a football? Maybe she’s falling still...

No one wears this! Literally if you run into her at that fancier Home Goods, you might see some asshole dressed like that.

Heh.

When I was a low-paid movie theater employee, we were probably the last theater in the US that actually answered the phone instead of having a recording. We had a regular caller, the foot pervert, who would call, want to know movie times and what shoes we were wearing. He never got sexual or disgusting.

Agreed! Hopefully the staff at Pornhub will do the same for me if I have a stroke from too much you-know-what and go silent.

Well done, staff of Dominos. Just goes to show ya, there are actually a lot of decent people in the world, even if it might seem otherwise sometimes.

“Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on…

I never get the people who complain about the Oscars being too long. If I had something important to be doing I wouldn’t be watching the Oscars in the first place.

“Correlation is causation.”

You mean to tell me that Aaron Ramsey didn’t kill these people and that the Packers don’t win only because I cried earlier that day?

See, but if you spend a little tiny bit more, it takes a much longer time for your purse to be reduced to a pile of matchsticks, therefore reducing waste!

YOu know he died right?